Just laughs

“I’m worried that I’m losing my wife’s love,” the husband told the counsellor.

“Has she started to neglect you?”

“Not at all,” the dejected man replied. “She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she’s a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I’m sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, ‘Die! Die, you son of a b*tch!’”

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents.

They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.

The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so that they could see the process.

It was great fun! They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time.

Rich man and a poor man are talking in the pub about buying birthday pressy’s for their wives.

Rich man sez: “Got the dear wifey a BMW M3 and a £2,000 diamond ring so if she don’t like the diamond ring she can take it back and change it in the new M3 and still be happy”.

Poor man replies: “Got the missus a pair of slippers and a dildo, if she don’t like the slippers she can trot off and go fook herself”.

A panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new hospital wing:
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.The Psychiatrists thought it was madness;
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Radiologists could see right through it!

And in the End, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ar$ehole who couldn’t care less!

DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a slash before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m sayin’ all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a ‘cry for help’, simply shout ‘Help!’ thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.